Always be my baby

No talking to him for the next 4 weeks, I know I can do this. I really have to do it for myself this time. Gotta stop over thinking because everything can go back to normal if I want them to, but now just isn’t the time to fuss over such stuff.

My heart just melted when he laughed at me. Such a familiar feeling which never fails to melt my heart. Who knew that such a simple gesture could make my day :’) these are the little things that we so often overlook and take for granted.. I really wish we could go back to last winter, things weren’t easy but we were definitely trying much harder than right now.

I’m just amazed at how strong I am :) I know I’m no pushover and I definitely won’t let a guy manipulate and hurt me beyond a certain point.

You’re good to me but not good for me. I love you so fucking much I can’t even explain.

But when I think about how I’ve cried for you a million times, how I can’t be alright without you, how I am so constantly needy towards you, how I am not making you as happy as you should be when you’re in love, how I make you feel pressured and suppressed, how you can’t be the you that you wanna be, how I make you miserable by always find things to pick on, how I love you so selfishly -I realize that maybe this is for the better.

It was the hardest decision in my life, the longest 5 minutes, as I typed my last text to you, but it was something that I knew I had to do. If not now, then when?

I know that everything will be perfect again when I see you in June. Everything will fall back into place because yes, I love you that much to overlook all the imperfections that our relationship is plagued with but at the end of my winter break, what is gonna happen? I know that when I go back to Brisbane, we’re gonna face the same problems again.. The resentment that builds up in me whenever you choose to go out with your friends than to stay at home to skype with me, the bitterness I feel when I am home waiting for you to wake up or reach home, the anger that threatens to explode whenever you read my whatsapp but don’t reply, the betrayal I feel when you don’t tell me certain things just cause you ‘don’t wanna complicate things’. Yes, that’s the shit I cannot deal with anymore.

Who am I kidding, I know I can deal with it as long as you stick around in my life. I know that I will be much happier than I am right now even if you don’t treat me right. I know I rather suffer and compromise even though you said you won’t be the same person that you are and won’t give in to me about the same things you used to and that if we were to still be together I would have to be the one who changes. I know I am willing to do all of that because I love you so much that I am starting to believe that I will never be as happy as I was in the past one and a half years.

Lol I typed that whole chunk of shit last night while I was an emotional wreck, gasping for air as I choked on my tears. Wailed like a fucking big baby while talking to ky on fb cause everything he said was so true and hit every raw nerve running through me. Talked to him until I couldn’t sit at my desk typing away anymore because I really needed to curl up in a ball and torture myself by thinking about how great we were together, how happy he made me feel and how I always saw my future together with him.

Break ups really make people this feeble and weak huh? Thank god for my friends cause I know that everytime I feel fucked up, I have somone different to call and complain to :’) And I’ll probably be calling them an average of three times each to cry to until I stop crying at the thought of him. That’s not too many times right lololol. I kind of hate calling people when I’m crying uncontrollably because half the time they wont be able to decipher what I’m mumbling about between sobs and the other half the time they probably don’t know what to say because nothing they say can make anything better. But really, just having them listen to my woes makes everything a little better.

I’m glad that this morning I woke up without feeling as empty as I did in the past few days. Maybe it’s because he asked if I wasn’t gonna listen to what he had to say and we agreed to talk tonight. Lol I’m not even placing any hope that we’re really gonna talk because since when was he one who wanted to ‘talk’? Everytime I wanna talk, he just gives me the nonchalant can-you-fucking-stop-it-already face until I start to cry because I am so damn exasperated from trying to reach out to him again and again, but to no avail. So it’s really a surprise that he wants to talk now. It’s sad that he only feels the need to tell me how he feels only when I wanna break up with him. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that we don’t love each other anymore but we both know that this is not gonna work for the next 2.5years.

Not saying that LDR can never work but I guess our personalities are just not cut out for it. I am too needy and dependent and he probably needs more space and time with his friends than to come home and skype with me regularly. I love him so much and the pain of losing him hurts SO bad. So much that yesterday night I was THIS close to texting him to take back whatever I said, to tell him that I rather suffer the pain of all our problems than the pain of losing him forever. But I’m a smart and strong girl and I know what’s good for myself. This pain is only temporary. Yes it is so much to bear that I thought I would never ever feel normal but hey, I woke up with only one thing in mind -to get the fuck out of my bed and go to the library to write my notes. I have wasted enough time pitying myself for the loss of what used to be the perfect relationship -to me at least.

I am just really thankful that I have so many wonderful people always checking on me regularly. Whatsapping me to ask if I’m still alive lolol. And my family :’) I love my mum and dad and stepmom and brother so much. What would I do without them.. Andre was the first person I called at 2am a few nights ago while I was crying so crazily after taking down all the photos of us on my wall. He laughed at me and said ‘Ze, you damn ugly leh’ which made me burst out laughing. Stupid brother -.- And my mummy who is such a strong woman, always gives me the best advice because she’s the best person who knows how the loss of a spouse (boyfriend, in my case) feels like. Then there’s my Aunty Kal who is such a soft hearted woman and a really awesome stepmom. Listening to her just makes me wanna cry more cause all I wanna do is be back home and cry in her arms. And my dad who is as harsh as always. I felt like a little girl again when I managed to force out a ‘daddy…’ in the midst of my hysterical crying hahaha. And he was just really realistic about everything, which is probably what I needed too.

Okay enough typing , I needa go to school now. I probably have 2 hours to study before lecture later. And I’m gonna go for body combat class then back home for dinner and then to BSL with Sandra and the guys. I think H wanted to take me to jap bbq tonight but I am really not in the mood for going out. He planned to take me out to play yesterday but I rejected him cause I said I needed to study (which failed terribly because I barely wrote a few words). Now I regret not going out yesterday because that would have saved me a lot of tears -.- What a loser I am.

On the other hand I’m kinda glad that I have almost every other night packed with activities. Wednesday’s a friend’s birthday and sleepover at Oli’s , Thursday is our celebratory dinner with the speechie girlies and Friday is dinner (also another pre-swotvac celebratory dinner) at Jon’s and then hardcore mugging time starts. And in between all those I am gonna go to the gym more than ever to keep my mind off stuff. Lolol.

K really gonna leave home now, feel so much better typing everything out. I wonder if anyone still reads my tumblr hahaha.

Bye~